Then you will know the truth...

A beginning...

2009-05-23T23:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting up incredibly late on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning as you would have it.)
I've recently downloaded Flock, the new web browser. And it's inspired me to restart a blog.

Besides, it is the perfect time right?
Last week I graduated from college.
My friends are headed all over the world doing different things and so am I!
So what better way to stay updated than to keep updated?
It only seemed right.

I am tired, so for now nothing makes sense.
But it will.
Oooh but it will....

&hearts; Abz

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Shame on me if you fool me twice...

2008-09-14T20:58:00.001-07:00

I am living in a cycle.

And I don't know why or how this happens, but it always comes down to this.

And I'm always this person.

Is it a terrible thing to become so numb to disappointment that it doesn't hurt anymore?

I find myself consumed with the daily grind and all that that entails... with emotions and rumors and gossip and boys, what other people are doing and things that are said.

And then I go to bed empty, with the realization of this void that is filled but then I empty out again in a vicious cycle that consumes my very being.

And yet I know better.

And yet I continue to wage this war.

I know that:

Every good and perfect gift is from above...

To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose...

God's thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are my ways His ways...

He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me...

Lord, I believe. HELP THOU MINE UNBELIEF!

It startles me how easily my focus can be shifted, how quickly my evil, bitter heart can turn.

But it hurts.

But I don't want to show it.

I just want so desperately for once in my life to not end up here...

Second place and two feet tall.

Admit your defeat...

2008-09-06T23:13:00.001-07:00

I know I have not been very faithful to writing lately...

or at all.

But college has started, and life is crazy and the pace of every day is racing at lighting speed.

And I just want things to slow down, but they won't and they can't.

But basically, Landon Pigg has this song, Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop.

And it is my jam because... well, it is my jam.

I think that possibly

Maybe I'm falling for you

Yes

There's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

This isn't a very thoughtful post, by any means.

I just wanted to be able to say it somewhere...

As well as have my stupidity marked down somewhere.

Because I am living and hoping and freaking as if somehow this time could be different.

I need to focus more on my studies.

All of the while I never knew
All of the while it was you

But its hard, cause I don't really wanna.
I've been trying to go about this whole year in a different way, completely forgetting all of this.
To step outside my ideals of romanticism and childish hopes and dreams.
Am I prepared to admit my defeat?
As Tegan and Sara would say:
Don't move so slow. I can't take it...

Go back? We can't go back at all....

2008-08-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Paramore may have turned into a mainstream pop punk band adored by 12 year old scene girls all across America, but the songs they play are still speaking about my life, and that is why I can't cast them aside.

"When we get home, I know it won't be home at all.
This place we live... it is not where we belong.
And I miss who we were, in the town that we could call our own.
Going back to get away, after everything has changed...
Everything has changed."

Today my dad literally pulled me aside and asked me why I don't go out anymore, why I don't have any friends, why I sit at home everyday. Well, all I can say is because everything has changed. And I just feel so disconnected from the changes that have occurred.
People are either doing one of two things, getting married or getting wasted, and I am not about either one.
I feel disconnected because I am here for three months out of the year, and when I am here what has happened before has already affected what is happening now.
I find that my time spent at home is my feet itching to get away... not that I don't love my family and the few friends who actually take the time to continually invest and be understanding... I appreciate it more than they will ever know.
But this isn't home anymore.
And I don't really know when things changed so drastically.

So I'm counting down the days till school when I can get away, knowing that is not the permanent solution. I am going back to get away, but I know that I have to come to terms with what I'm trying to get away from.
What is my place here? To shake my head at the people I used to admire so much?
To lament lost friendships and old times? To sit in my room all day reading classic literature?
I'm bidding the time, but the loneliness is settling in... cold and hard.

We have time to start all over again...

2008-07-31T18:58:00.000-07:00

Change.

I am on the brink of so, so, so much change.
Right now is like the silence before the storm, the calm before the roar, however you please.

God is teaching me a lot this summer, but more than anything he's been teaching me to not only claim he is enough for me, but how to live it out. He is teaching me that if I am going to call myself a follower of Jesus, I need to be doing just that... following Jesus.
And in order to do that I shouldn't need an entourage.

Planetshakers has this great song Healer that say:
"I believe you're my portion. I believe you're more than enough for me. Jesus, you're all I need!"

I think that for human beings, and specifically for human beings named Abby, such as myself, one of the hardest things in the world is letting go. But whoever wants to save his life will lose it...

In exactly 3 weeks I am moving back in at school. I can't believe it's almost over and time has gone so fast...

What you couldn't do I will...

2008-07-21T16:45:00.001-07:00

Ooooh how I love being tested.

Not.

I don't know if there is anyone in their right mind in the world who can honestly say that.

And I am struggling so much with knowing that I ought to and need to and am called to forgive people. But it is so against the nature of my fleshly body that it makes my stomach drop to think about it.

I want so badly to hold against people the ways they have hurt me, disappointed me. I want to hoard over them the things that they have done wrong. I want justice and apologies! I want things to be fair and people to make the right decisions and to never be disappointed or let down!
But this is not life.
This is not how things happen.
This is not who we as human beings are.

In Matthew Jesus' followers ask him how many times they are meant to forgive those who have done wrong to them. Jesus said, not only 7 times, but 70 times 7!
As in, that is practically impossible to keep track off, so quit trying to keep count.
Do we think God keeps track of every time he forgives us for our stupid mistakes or every moment that he shows us mercy?

The answer would be a resounding no.
So why do we hold things over other people as if somehow they owe us something for messing up?

I do it because I want to be justified.
I do it because I hate the feeling of my heart breaking. And if I'm going to hurt, someone else better as well.
I do it because I want to be right. I want the last word.

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching, begging and asking God to help me to be merciful, to not take it personally when my inner person is hurt.
I like to think of this song For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep

"What you couldn't do, I will.
I forgive you.
For blue skies, I forgive you.
I forgive you."

Tina Turner also says, "I don't care whose wrong or right. I don't really wanna fight no more."
And she should know. She has been through a lot with Ike and all...
So there are situations where I want to get angry and lay the smackdown on some peeps.
But what good will that do?

God, help me to forgive.

What I'm Trying To Say...

2008-07-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

I am completely and totally furious.
And distraught. And a little of whatever else.

But mostly just disappointed.

But I'm going to sleep on this tonight, and then write.

okay. good.

I will not be quiet anymore.

2008-07-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and things just, come together?
Today was one of those days.
I have high hopes for July.

Last night I dreamed that I was on the Demon Drop at Cedar Point with my friend Sara from high school.
This morning I woke to a call from Sara asking if I wanted to go to Cedar Point today.
Um, yes... I would love to.

I get on the internet, and happen to click around Myspace... which I haven't used in months mind you.
I click on The Glorious Unseen's page, this incredible worship band from a church in Nashville.
Wouldn't you know it, they are in town this Sunday! At a church that I used to go to occasionally.
And it is free.
Because God knew I don't have a job.

But then I got a call from my old boss at JCPenney's (because God knows what we have need of!)
I can come in and start working stock tomorrow. It's not what I'm used to, but it's something. And something is better than nothing. And a little money is better than none.

Then I downloaded Make A Joyful Noise by David Crowder Band.
And I danced a little...
okay, I danced a lot.

The first line brought a tear to my eye...
I will not be silent. I will not be quiet anymore.

Because the glory of God is manifested through the praises of His people.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

What Nouwen Said...

2008-06-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

Death Cab says that "Love is watching someone die."
Who's going to watch me die?

Potentially no one...
Maybe my sister and my cats or something. Who really knows.

I am being a little punk. Things are really not so bad.

But I struggle a lot with why some people have the world while others have nothing.
I wonder why some people marry and others don't... why half the people I graduated with are getting married next summer while some can't even get a number??
Some people have loving, caring families and others live and die alone.
How is this fair?!
And yet it has to be a part of some plan so much greater than us that we can't understand.

People fail us, don't rise to our expectations or meet our needs, and we become angry because of how deeply we longed for them to. This is when the heart breaks... when we have attached it to things it is not supposed to be attached to.

I have read enough books and heard enough sermons to know this.
But when will I begin to live in the knowledge of what I know?

Henri Nouwen in his book The Inner Voice of Love says it better than anyone...

"You keep listening to those who seem to reject you.
But they never speak about you. They speak about their own limitations. They confess their poverty in the face of your needs and desires. They simply ask for your compassion. They do not say that you are bad, ugly, or despicable.they say only that you are asking for something they cannot give and that they need to get some distance from you to survive emotionally.
The sadness is that you perceive their necessary withdrawal as a rejection of you instead of as a call to return home and discover there your true belovedness."

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
I'm starting to believe God keeps bringing me back to this place because I still haven't learned my lesson. There is no person, no man, no friend that will fill this space.
I act like an idiot and He breaks my heart to bring me back.

Glory and the humdrums...

2008-06-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

There are two days left of June and I find myself restlessly tapping my feet, twiddling my thumbs, twirling my hair... just freaking waiting for time to pass and it won't.
The days are long and hot, not to mention often wet and disgusting.
Phone calls are few and far between, but not in a bad way.
I'm not working currently. There is nothing happening.

The solution to everything seemed to be You should blog.
And so here I am.

Most days I watch Joyce Meyer's "Enjoying Everyday Life", and yesterday something just resonated with me. She said,
"Almost everything in life takes longer than we hoped it would.
From glory to glory means there are spaces in between!"

She was talking about 2 Corinthians 13:8 where the Bible states that we who are in Christ are being moved and changed from "one degree of glory to another" or "from glory to glory." But this change isn't instant. We are not instantly healed and changed and renewed. It's a process.

But in all reality, we live in a culture that thrives upon instant gratification.
Self denial is rarely an option. I think I've adapted so much of this mindset without even realizing it.
However, when it comes to the power of God, there really are no shortcuts.

I think I am in between glories... at that space in time when God is still faithful and all that and I know this, but I'm not moving yet... or the moving's so slow I don't even notice.
I pray for things to happen, for questions to be answered, for help to come, plans to be revealed.
But its like God is whispering Not yet... or maybe even Wait and listen...
I am in between glory and the humdrums.
But I believe God's glory has the power to trump out all else.
So for now I am refusing to let the blues take a hold of me and praising as hard as I know how.

In the meantime, I might as well blog about it.
I've got some time on my hands.

Summer, bring it on.